my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
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oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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