3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Randomize
