How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
