6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
