so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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