I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
