captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
