you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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