He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
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Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
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My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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