Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
