You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
