it was like his penis was on wheels.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
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giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
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Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home