I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.