Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Never underestimate the power of titties
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize