just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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