3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
