I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
