standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
