From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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