At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
