i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
