hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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