just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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