i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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