my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize