Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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