She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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