and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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