just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
zippers are such a cool invention
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're breaking my sexual little heart
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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