Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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