he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
