You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
