my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
