I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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