The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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