Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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