It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
