her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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