he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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