I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
