i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
