I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
