theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You've changed since you got that strap on
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
