the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
