there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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