Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
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Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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