youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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