I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
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Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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