dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
