I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
