I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
