i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
