I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
