Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
