my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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