It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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