y did u give ur computer a hand job?
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
