Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
