I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
